Norman Adoption Blog

Unlike my meeting with Betti yesterday, I had been looking forward to our phone meeting with Cindy from Orphans Overseas all week. Over the last couple of weeks since we have been reading and collecting our information, I have accumulated a list of questions I needed to ask them. Cindy has been assigned to us and will be calling once a week to answer any questions and to talk to us about our progress.

I won’t bother you with the questions we asked or the little details we learned about the paperwork and requirements we need to meet. But let me real quick just tell you some interesting things we learned:

• Their first couple is in Vietnam right now picking up their child. They had to wait 4 months after the dossier was sent overseas before they received their referral. Then after that they had to wait a max of 6 weeks (Cindy doesn’t know for sure how long they waited…between 2- 6 weeks after) to travel there. The child at referral was 2 months old.
• Regarding the health of the child- they have yet had any cases where they discover a child with HIV. They are checked before leaving Vietnam for HIV, TB and Hepatitis. We will not be given much or any type of medical history, just because they do not know it.
• We will not be given a photo of the child at the referral. They will provide age, reason for being an orphan, size and other info that they have already collected at the orphanage.
• Spanking issue- they only asked about that issue for their own screening. The dossier does not require that information and it probably will not matter. However, we just need to see if Betti will or will not need to include that in her home study report that will be sent overseas.

I have been nervous the last couple of days knowing that this afternoon was the one-on-one interview with Betti, our local social worker. I don’t know why I was so nervous except that I knew this was a meeting to determine and make a judgment on my character and if I am worthy enough to adopt. It is always a little nerve-wracking when you are being personally judged, or at least feeling like you are. Is she going to be looking at my ability as a parent raising David? Is she going to be asking detailed personal questions about my childhood? Is there something in my life growing up that will make her uncomfortable? These were all the types of questions going through my mind.

However, there were two things that helped me keep my head clear from anxiety. The first comfort was knowing that Betti so far had shown herself to be very gracious and very honest. I knew I was comfortable with her the first time we met. She was very easy to open up to and express concerns with. The other comfort came when I relinquished my fear to Christ. Only then did I see the truth. If this is what God has planned for us, what does it matter what the opinion of man would be? God was going to guide our conversation. I just needed to be willing to lean on Him and He would do the rest.

So Betti came today and we settled some other business first. I gave her the papers we had to have signed and our references’ addresses. Then all she had to do was ask, “So what was your life like growing up?” From out of nowhere, it seemed, my whole life story was laid before her. I threw in there my testimony, growing up at Grandma’s house with two older brothers, my dating life, how I met Patrick, life as a mother and staying at home, and my desires for the future. It all flowed as smoothly as possible with a little one year old fussing in my ear for attention or something to eat. Regardless, she thought it went well. She even joked that she didn’t have to ask any questions except the first.

I was very relieved when it was all over. It seemed like the time flew by and yet I couldn’t believe that I had talked so much. I know I was very honest with her and openly shared even my struggles of raising David and being a wife (like not knowing how to teach David and just now learning how to cook for my family! Ha). I am excited to know that the home study requirements are at least half way complete. Patrick will just need to meet with her sometime next week. Then we have one final meeting in which she will go through the house to make sure it is safe and has enough space to house another child. It seems the process is much easier than I thought so far!!

This past Saturday, July 15, was our first home study meeting. We knew it was impossible to make the house look perfect but we cleaned it pretty well anyway. I don’t think either one of us were stressed about this first meeting. After talking with Betti we knew she was going to be the honest, gentle and joyful type. She is a Grandmother and has been doing this for many many years.

The meeting went very well. She basically just came in and sat and talked with us for a little while. She asked us many questions just trying to get to know us and see what it is that made us want to adopt. She did raise one concern that Patrick and I are confused about. She read our application and saw our reply to the discipline question. She said she understands our reasoning and respects the way we worded everything. However, in some countries, like China, spanking is almost a deal breaker.

She has seen so many out of hand parents using spanking too often or harshly. She says it should be a rather infrequent occurrence, which we agree. She was going to check on Vietnam’s standards for us. But what are we to say if it is not accepted? We believe in the usefulness of it and that it is a God given method to teach our children. We do not feel it should be the only or most often used form of discipline. But there are times when it is very necessary, especially those times when the child is putting himself or herself in danger by not obeying. Is it such a taboo today to even admit to wanting to use corporal punishment for your children?

I know every child is different and there are many different ways to discipline them. One may need a strong look while another may need a good spanking. However, like I told Betty, I also understand that you don’t give an adopted child a timeout, locked in their room with the door shut, when they were abandoned. You also wouldn’t spank a child that was physically abused. So I understand exceptions. It will be interesting to see how this will play out later on.

Other than that issue, she gave us some more “homework” to do. We need to get fingerprinted with the police and to sign some more documents. Even today we sent in our contract with Orphans Overseas which means that the fun and games really are about to begin!

July 10, Patrick and I completed the Orphans Overseas application online. For the application we had to talk with the people we wanted to use as references to ask for their permission. We wanted them to be prepared and to know what was going on. We also had to think very carefully about the answer we would give to our discipline question. They basically wanted to know if we were planning on spanking or not. We do believe it is a useful tool. Although we made very sure to try and word it carefully and at the same time keep it 100% in line with our true beliefs.

The same evening Betti, the social worker from Catholic Charities returned our phone call. From that moment we knew we wanted Betti to be our social worker for the home study. Since Orphans Overseas is located in Portland, OR we need to use a local agency for our home study. Betty is really friendly and is very helpful and knowledgeable. She said the home study process usually takes between 1-2 months. We can be doing this while we are collecting information for our agency as well.

The following day, Orphans Overseas sent us an email that gave us access to an online checklist that has everything we need to turn in or have completed. So as excited and jumpy that Patrick and I are, we started to order and collect birth certificates, marriage licenses, and our passports-just to update them. We figured we wanted to get the items ordered so we won’t be waiting on those things to arrive by mail. However, we were jumping the gun because those won’t be needed for some time.

Early on, Patrick and I went to the bookstore and purchased one or two books to help point us in the right direction. This is pretty random timing but I just wanted to jot down a couple of the things to think about from the “Complete Idiots Guide to Adoption” (That was my choice to purchase actually. Patrick bought the thick book on adoption. I wanted the Cliffs Notes version!).

The section was under “Making Your Child Comfortable.” They say (condensed version):

• If the child is an infant on formula, buy a few cans or a case of formula in other country.
• Try to get a few recipes from the child’s culture.
• Don’t swamp the child with toys and gifts.
• Give the child a chance to get used to your family.
• Find out what fabrics the child is used to wearing.
• Learn some words from the other country.
• Don’t force eye contact. (Side note- A couple of these things may not matter so much if we really are taking home an infant. However, I have read that in Vietnam, people do not typically look each other in the eye.)

That’s it for now on the random info! Thanks! ;o)

Finding an agency that really fit all our needs seemed an impossible task. However, it didn’t take long before we realized that it wasn’t so impossible after all. Orphans Overseas contained all the factors that we were looking for. It was the least expensive of all the agencies we were looking at, which excited Patrick. I was told that one of their couples was just referred a 2 month old child, which really excited me. They explained the reason they are so inexpensive is because they know that adopting is an expensive process and they want to make it as easy as possible for those families who are willing, to adopt.

One of our other concerns was the fact that the Agent Orange chemical was used in the South and most agencies had orphanages there. Orphans Overseas does not. Their orphanages are located right around Hanoi in the North. That is also an added bonus because the North is influenced more from China than the South would be. China was the original country we wanted to adopt from. Laura from Orphans Overseas was able to explain to us how long this process could take. She said from start to finish it could take 6 -12 months. At the end we should expect our stay in Vietnam to be 2-2 1/2 weeks long.

Another plus for us is that Orphans Overseas is affiliated with Sunset Presbyterian Church, USA. Choosing a faith based organization was not a requirement but it definitely puts us at ease. It is nice to know that instead of doing this for just humanitarian reasons, these workers are doing it because of Christ and their love for His children.

It seemed like making a decision on a country was a lot more simple than choosing an agency. All the agencies started to sound the same. One agency might have great friendly people, another may say we could possibly work with birthmothers, while yet another was much more affordable than the rest. There were so many factors to consider and it seemed impossible to narrow it down. For me, this was the most stressful time during this process so far. My fears were: What if we choose the wrong agency? What if we choose this one because it is affordable and then we can only get a child that is too old for us? Or what if we choose this agency because it has the best services, most helpful people and yet it sends us over the top financially?

Regardless, we had to start somewhere. The most helpful starting place was Adopt Vietnam. This site, which I spoke about in the last post, has a wonderful list of agencies that are all certified to adopt from Vietnam. So Patrick and I had to figure out which issues and questions we thought were important, write them down, and then call and speak with people in each agency. I had my favorites and Patrick had his. We would request information packets and fee schedules. We would ask questions like: How long does this process take from start to finish? How young do you think the baby could be at time of placement? Where do we start? What are the orphanages like that you work with? Where are they? Have you heard of Agent Orange? What is the traveling like?

We were given so much good information that will help us in the long run like:

• During the trip to Vietnam, strollers are discouraged because the cultural standard is that you should carry your child.
• It is possible to nurse a baby that is older, if you wanted to. Although, a lot of Asians are lactose intolerant.
• The home study agent is not going to expect your home to be perfect. If she sees a problem, she is there to tell you how to improve it.
• They say to let your adopted child stay on the bottle as long as possible because that was her source of comfort in the orphanage.
• Be prepared to walk off the plane (after 24+ hours in the air) and go straight to pick up your child at the orphanage.
• Great sources are- “Attaching in Adoption” by Deborah Gray; Tapestry books; and “When you Were Born in Vietnam” by Bartlett.

I know for Patrick this was a pretty stressful time as well. My main concern was finding an agency that thought we could take home the youngest child. Patrick’s concern was finances. Once we received a couple fee schedules from our top agency picks, he made a spreadsheet to help organize all the costs. I think this move was probably one the most helpful because we were able to realistically look and see which agency had fees that were over the top.

Finally on July 5 we had finally made our decision. Overall, Orphans Overseas was our favorite.

I am not as knowledgeable of Vietnam as I want to be. I am still researching and even trying to refresh myself on the history of the Vietnam War. It is a Communist country. The Northern tip is still pretty strongly influenced by that type of Government. Vietnam, according to our friend Rebecca, still has a good many underground churches. It is also beautiful country.

There is a bit of information that we feel is important to consider for this adoption. Patrick read in the Fodor’s Exploring Vietnam book that in the south of Vietnam there are still lasting traces of Agent Orange. This was a chemical used during the war that the US used to kill their agriculture and forests. A consequence of using this chemical was that a lot of children were born with birth defects. Even today, 30 years later, there are still birth defects found in babies because of this chemical. Apparently the earth in these areas is still unusable and dead today.

The children that are in Vietnam are mostly in orphanages, not foster homes. That means that there are more babies per caregiver then there would be in a foster home, which would have one or two per worker. Patrick read that for every 2 months a child is in an orphanage, statistically they are behind developmentally 1 month. However, that is a pretty quick fix with a little bit of time and one on one attention.

We learned that there is still a lot of poverty in Vietnam, even though it is not like a 3rd world country. Poverty is a main reason mothers might drop off their children. Some families may have a couple kids already and cannot afford anymore. Or it could be a case of teen pregnancy, where the mother feels she would not adequately be able to provide for her child.

To learn more yourself please check out some of the following websites:

Adopt Vietnam This site provides great info about the culture, music, names, cooking, and more.
Families with Children from Viet Nam This site provides pictures of babies that were adopted. You can see the pictures that are given at the time of referral and then see how the child grows. They are very precious children!!!

“Why Vietnam?” of course is the next logical question to ask. Of all the countries in the World, why have we narrowed it down to Vietnam??  That also needs just a quick overview of what happened when we started to research. The only natural place we knew to start was to speak with our friend Tammy again over at Bethany. She encouraged Patrick to fill out a pre-application just to see what countries we might qualify for (because not only do we have to find a baby that fits our needs but we need to fit the country’s qualifications).

I was discouraged again at this point when we received the reply back from Tammy. We heard from her on June 26. She said there were 8 countries we qualified for (with our age and length of marriage and other factors) but only 3 could we take home a young baby…and from them the youngest might be 12 months. She told us we would qualify for Russia, Uzbekistan, and Guatemala. We really wanted an Asian child, plus a child that would be younger than a year when she came home. -Yes, and we have decided that we are going to request to have a baby girl!-

Because we were not satisfied with the results from Bethany, we thought we should look elsewhere. We both started to look all over the internet for different agencies. Everyone claims different timetables and ages that the baby will be when she will be brought home. It only took two days, on June 28 to narrow it down to Vietnam. Only one parent had to be 25 (since I am just 24) and married only a couple of years. They say a child could be 6 months, more or less, at time of placement in the home.

The Vietnam program is a fairly new program. Vietnam used to be a popular country to adopt from until the adoption process was closed and it became a “closed” country. I don’t know enough about the reasons and the details about all that. What I do know is that at the end of last year, or beginning of this year, the Vietnam program re-opened. With that in mind, it is a fairly new program with all the agencies.  There are some changes that have taken place since Vietnam has re-opened.  Some agencies have not even sent a couple over to Vietnam, while others may have sent a couple already, since it is so new.
For us, the next step was to narrow it down to the specific agency and to find out as much as we could about Vietnam.

“Why do you want to adopt?” has been a popular question. I feel the best way to start off is to explain a little bit about our reasoning. Most of you know that Patrick and I have always talked about adopting at some point. I think for me, Elise, the conviction came during my studies at Belhaven College. I was challenged to think in practical ways of what it means to live out our Christian responsibility. For me, adoption was one of the many ways that Christ can be revealed to our world.

God is in His holy Temple. He is father to orphans, and defends the widows. God gives the lonely a home. He leads prisoners out with joy, but those who turn against God will live in a dry land. (Psalm 68:5-6)

When Patrick and I started dating, adoption was a common desire for us. But it wasn’t until David was born that we began to talk realistically of when we wanted to start the process. Patrick wanted to adopt after our first. I wanted to after our second.

We decided to try for a second child, until we felt God lead us into this new direction. On May 28, Patrick and I attended Redeemer where Pastor Mike was preaching a sermon titled “Christians, Who Are We?” and preached from Philippians 1:1-2. There he spoke on grace- unmerited favor by Christ, our worth as humans, and how we are to live in Christ. For me, one word jumped into my mind that would not escape… adoption.

I felt as if God was saying that right now was a good time for adoption. So we began the process of researching. We talked with a friend at a local agency, Bethany Christian Services where she answered many questions. However, I felt more discouraged by our conversation than anything…thinking we could not adopt now because of our age anyway. So adoption was almost put out of our mind for a bit….until June 28, Father’s Day.

That day, I felt like God got a hold of my heart again. I had been disappointed we were not yet pregnant and couldn’t understand why, until I thought “but what if this desire God has given us is because there is a baby already starting to be formed, that is made just for us?” (from my journal entry) I feared that “maybe the reason I want to get pregnant instead of wait for the adoption is because I am worried I couldn’t possibly love another child as much as my own.” But I knew that with God’s love that it was just not so. So turning my heart towards God again I released my anxiety. In response, I turned towards Patrick with joy, knowing that God has a baby prepared just for us and who is waiting for us to take her home….